Tag: Better

Not-So-Great

Hello. I have never written a blog post before, even though I love writing. That’s something I’m sure about. I spend too long being unsure about stuff, so that was a relief.

I put a lot of effort lately into changing who I am. In the past people said of me that I had a strong personality – in good words, I was strong and passionate. In other words, I was stubborn and wouldn’t take no for an answer when I set my mind on something. In a more recent past, it was said that I had no personality – I stood for nothing, I lived a two-dimensional life that consisted of homework, eating, sleeping, and going to school. It wasn’t great. I tell myself I had a great childhood as sort of a condolence, even though anyone who knew me then would have to agree. I did have a great childhood. Things happened afterwords though that changed that.

My Aspirations was what I wanted to call my blog. I guess the name was taken or something since like everyone writes of the same things nowadays.

See, so I’m a pretty negative person. I have this really negative belief system sort of ingrained in my being. I know that it is possible to change it, but it’s really such a frustrating struggle to work on. I don’t let that stop me, however.

I’m also a really selfish person. I realize I lack empathy, and my immediate concerns are often self-centerred. This comes from years of being in survival mode however. I am self-centerred because I spent so long living with a narrow-focused, just get-what-you-need mindset. I made my life to be very self-involving. The reason this is not so great (I would normally have said terrible, but see that’s too strong a negative word to just throw around. If I want to become positive, I’d have to use alternatives in my language choice such as “not so great.”) is because it makes it hard to connect with people if all your immediate concerns are inward. And the less-good you are at connecting with people, the less people you will have in your life who care about your well-being. This only causes you to be more self-centerred because you rationalize that no one has your best interests at heart except yourself..

I am trying to change these aspects of myself because I don’t want to live that way. I want to live freely and congruently in a way that makes it easy for me to find and cherish the connections I have. I want to rebuild the bridges I have burned with my pride and self-centerredness. Because I realize that the way I’m going now, I’m not only going to end up alone, but I’ll be alone with strong enemies and  a bad reputation, unhappy, and with nothing but the hearth of pride to keep me going. And pride is too closely tied to bitterness for my liking.

I want to change a lot of my life. I realize I have only the support of my therapist in this mission. I’ve burned bridges with all family members, and they will take time to rebuild. Redemption is a long road, and like, I don’t have the energy for that.

I aspire to a lot. I aspire to find passions, learn more about myself, live positively, overcome my inability to connect with people, become better at small talk and big talk, get over my narcissism and self-centredness, and to rebuild the bridges I have burned. I want to solve the shadowy mysteries of my haunted past. I want to emerge a new phoenix out of the ashes of my old life.

I lack a lot, I know that. I need to change, however. So that’s something I do have – the realization that I NEED to change.

I’m going to post this now. More thoughts on this later.